Let’s face it. The holidays are hard! We have way too much on our plates. We have incredibly high expectations and if we have a loved one who is in addiction, we are bracing ourselves for one disappointment after another. Many of you are dreading the upcoming holiday.
The good news is, that with some preparations and advanced planning. The upcoming holidays don’t have to be a complete disaster.
Here are some strategies that have helped me make Thanksgiving healthy and happy.
- Manage expectations of your loved one: Managing expectations (or better yet, just don't have any). If your loved one is in active addiction you can not expect them to be present. You will only disappoint yourself if you have that expectation.
- Be prepared: If you are willing to have them over to your home, prepare for them to be high and don't expect them to be sober or warm and fuzzy. They may not be capable. They may not show up. And if they do they may not be well behaved. Remember that hurt people hurt people. They are not bad, they are just not well. They are not doing this intentionally. They are doing this because they are exhibiting the symptoms of their disease.
- Make Your Own Fun: Don’t sit at home waiting for them. Get together with others so that you can enjoy all that this holiday has to offer even without your loved one attending.
- Manage Expectations of Others: Do not expect your family members to embrace your loved one if they are using and/or treat them with the same love and trust you have for them. To expect family members to tolerate our using child's behavior is not fair to them. Additionally it is important for our using children to understand the consequences of their behavior. Not everyone understands addiction.
- Show Up Anyway: Do not sacrifice the rest of your family for your loved one in active addiction. They may or may not show up. And if they do they may not be sober. Take this opportunity to be brave and be strong. Show them that you CAN be healthy in spite of what is going on in your family.
- Safety First: If your loved one is habitually unsafe, i.e. they will steal from you or create unreasonable drama in your family, it’s ok to set a boundary and not include them. As an advocate of connection, in this case, I would recommend meeting them in a safe location. Take them out to lunch or dinner separately and purchase small, practical gifts that they can use, that will make them feel loved and that they will not be able to sell for the purchase of supporting their substance use.
- Focus on Others: Do not use the holiday as a forum to get on a soapbox about addiction in this country. This is not the time or place for those kind of conversations (unless you never want to be invited back). Again, show yourself to be strong and brave and ask others how they are doing.
- Understand others may not Understand: Don't expect family to ask you about your child. They don't really want to know. But if they do ask, just tell them that he/she is struggling right now and you could use their love, support and prayers.
- Choose who you want to spend your day with: DO surround yourself with healthy people that can offer you support on a day that is sure to be difficult. Be around family and friends who love and appreciate you.
- Support Recovery: If your loved one is in recovery, support that. Have a dry holiday. We should all be able to give up our alcohol in order to provide an environment in our homes that sends a message to our loved ones that we value them and we value recovery.
- Take Care of Yourself: Practice a high level of self-care during the holidays. Take extra time for exercise, meditation and meal planning. Spend time with friends that lift you up. Block out time every day for your favorite craft project or hobby. Increasing your own dopamine during this time will balance some of the negative impact the holiday has on you.
- Give Back: Use the holiday as an opportunity to give back and serve others. It will always make you feel better!
- CHOOSE Joy: Remember that joy is a choice. Focus on those things that you have to be grateful for. We live in a country of abundance. Most of us have supportive people in our lives.
I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Copyright @ 2016 Pam Jones Lanhart, Our Marvelous Mess